Obscene Jesting

It's not what you think. This is a story about a cat. Not your average run of the mill slightly neurotic cat but rather a subject for Schizophrenic daily. Those of you who do not like cats or animals altogether should stop reading now. That was your first and final warning.

My parents brought home a cat that I had hand picked at the young age of five. She was the pick of the litter (in my opinion). She had the given name of Muffing Mix because of her coloration but that quickly morphed into muffin. That later made the (obvious???) transition to smuffles, smuff, stupid, tupid and in her autumn years because of going deaf a firm stomp on the floor would get her attention. She lived a long and I hope comfortable life being waited on hand and paw. She had two litters of kittens which she mothered as well as any human could. Taking extra care of the runts, making sure everything was safe and secure. It was one of the more sad times in my life when she finally died. After 19 years of my mother cleaning kitty litter and hair balls she had decided to not replace her. I was fine with that since I have become far to busy to supply the daily love and attention a pet requires. Things in the Harris household were moving very smoothly and pet free. I remember the blustery June afternoon when I was on the golf course. A freezing chill ran up my spine on the 8th fairway. I ignored it, figuring that it must just have been nerves from the less then stellar game of golf I was having. Knowing what I know now that chill should rather have been a sharp pain in my big toe.

I got home from the golf course by mid afternoon and found my sister and her husband at my place. Apparently they have decided to breed offspring and my once pet free living area was once again occupied. I asked where our new pet was so I could get acquainted with him. The story unfolds that when they opened the "happy pet carrier", Timmy the twenty five pound fur ball scurried off down the stairs to the basement and they hadn't seen him in hours. That was an understatement. He was completely MIA for a full three days before one of use caught a glimpse of him in the middle of the night. We suppose he had been out lurking when we slept before that but there was no proof since none of his food had been touched. I was really very shocking since I had forgotten that we had a cat at all, and to see a gleaming set of eyes pierce through to my very soul at three in the morning woke me up in a hurry.

Since then it has been one random encounter after the other. For a week this abomination of gray fur took to only letting itself been seen on the stairs in the evenings. In it self that would not be so bad, however he also wanted to be under your feet and between your legs. After my third fall up or down the stairs I decided that this act would eventually get us both killed one day. I started hissing at him. He would hear someone coming up or down the stairs and run to get in the way but when he heard my hiss of disapproval he would move to the corner of the landing. It got to the point where he would run to the middle landing when I got home and get me to pet him there. Those times where good. Little did I know he was about to switch. About a week into our being friends I tried to walk past and not pet him. That was the invisible line in the sand for us. The little bugger bit me in the toe. So I kicked him in the nose. We both hissed at each other and went on our way. That was the form of our relationship now, when Timmy saw me he tried to bite me. I quit altogether being civil. Why should I risk my hand trying to pet the Mr. Hyde this cat had become. I figured I would sit back and wait for Dr. Jeckle. For a while there I wore my running shoes around the house to protect my feet.

I got home from work it was a day like every other. I quickly looked around for the demon cat before taking my shoes off. There he was lying on his back waiting for me spread eagle. I didn't think cats could even do that. He was lying on the exact middle of his back with all four legs stretched out gentiles exposed to the world. This latest personality in the cats thinks it's a dog. He actually expects me to rub his tummy, I'm worried about what will be next, leg humping? Playing fetch in the park? I just got one of those cold shivers again. I'm scared to go home.

James