Super Duper

As a side note from my regular ramblings. Today I bring you an excerpt from a conversation I had on MSN Chat with the lady friend. Lets call her lady friend 1 or LF1 for short. For the sake of not having to go through all this and change her name, she will be “Sweet Pea’s Safe So Far” and I’ll be “I need the smell of summer. I need its noises in my ear”

Sweet Pea says:so I'm assuming you have plans tonight?

I need the smell of summer. I need its noises in my ear. says:I'm going to Dougs shop to play video games you can come by how long is our chat going to take?

Sweet Pea says:lol, don’t sound so scared, not long

I need the smell of summer. I need its noises in my ear. says:ok cool so I'm going there after work and you can come by and we'll chat then

Sweet Pea says:k, ill go home and get changed and stuff first. u sure no one else will be there? Doug won’t mind?

I need the smell of summer. I need its noises in my ear. says:naw he's cool with it. plus he wants to hear what's so important

Sweet Pea says:oh nice, that's swell. I take that we really aren’t talking about anything tonight then

Sweet Pea says:why would you tell Doug?

I need the smell of summer. I need its noises in my ear. says:what have I told Doug?

Sweet Pea says:that I need to talk to you

I need the smell of summer. I need its noises in my ear. says:I didn't think It was a secret that you want to get together I am your boyfriend

Sweet Pea says:lol, you’re funny. cus telling him that leads to questions like "what did she want to talk about and what if I don’t want him to know

Sweet Pea says:oh well, its no big deal

I need the smell of summer. I need its noises in my ear. says:then I'll tell him your being a big gay baby and don't want me to tell him, then we'll complain about girls and hold hands for a while until one of us feels too gay

Sweet Pea says:its really not a big deal

I need the smell of summer. I need its noises in my ear. says:Super so you won't mind if he knows. but I still won't tell him

I need the smell of summer. I need its noises in my ear. says:super duper

Sweet Pea says:super duper?

I need the smell of summer. I need its noises in my ear. says:Indeed that’s the spirit!

Sweet Pea says:it doesn’t matter. anyways, I’ll call you before I come

I need the smell of summer. I need its noises in my ear. says:awesome

And that is how our conversation goes. Honestly how do I still have a lady friend? Does it even seem like I want one? Both of those are awesome questions. I think my favorite reply was "super duper", if I said that to her in real life I would have probably got hit. But in Chat I can say anything I want.

I’m like some kind of sass talking super hero. And speaking of dumb ass girls. Why don’t the ones you want to get rid of ever pick up on your hints. While the girls you would give up a leg for always seem oblivious to that fact that you have been trying to date them for seven years. If I have any female readers out there can you fill me in? Honestly people!

Breakfast of Champions

Do any of you know what a spider tastes like? I’m not too sure either. I woke up this morning with a foul taste in my mouth. I can’t describe it, because nothing has ever tasted this bad to me before. If I had to guess I would say it tastes like a thousand dead bugs. That was the first thing that popped into my head this morning. Working from that thought I came to the conclusion that the only thing that would taste like that many bugs would have to be something small enough to fit in my mouth and either eat bugs or shake hands with a lot of bugs.

Unless a silver fish or millipede was running for President of my room and had been out kissing bug babies or shaking old bugs hands trying to garner support. I would have to think it was a spider. Judging from the amount of flavor I would guess it was one of those big bummed spiders that hangs from webs. Not one of those athletic running around types. That is just my luck. I eat the fat lazy slob of the bug world in my sleep.
That is not my favorite way to wake up. On the plus side being that grossed out at ten to seven will make me jump out of bed and run for the washroom. I was twenty minutes early for work today. I haven’t been that early for anything since that day I though they were giving away free. Come to think of it, I’ve never been that early for anything. Ever.

A Mission In Life

I’ve decided that since I must grow old I should at least continue to bring laughter and enjoyment to every one I can. On Tuesday I ranted and raved to my “Christina Agulara Doll” about my turning into an old man. She thought it was one of the funniest things she had ever seen. I think the part that put her over the edge was when I had run out of words and just stood there. A far away look in my eyes. Lower lip trembling. Holy cow that’s the worst Haiku ever written. If I take nothing out of today’s experience I can at least be proud that I have butchered one of the most beautiful forms of poetry ever.

The day of my birth
The swift passage of time
Lower lip trembles

For a signed copy (photo copy) of my book (page) of Haiku’s send a naked picture of yourself to… Oh hell if you don’t know this is joke yet I don’t want to see you naked. I don’t need to because I already watch you while you sleep.

I love my wander down the lane that is a Blog. Ok so back to my subject. Everyone I’ve talked to about my reaching my mid life and having a mid life crisis has walked away much happier about their lives. I can’t believe it but I think I make a difference in the world. I make the lives of those around me just a little more bearable. And I don’t even charge for the service. I’m a freaking humanitarian. I deserve a noble prize. Look at people like Mother Teresa and such. All they did is make you feel bad about your life because compared to them you were a more selfish and self-indulgent person then Hitler. I make people feel like gods. And yes that’s little G gods. I don’t want to step on anybody’s toes up there.

Yesterday I sat a rocked in my office here at work for about a half an hour, the day before I only did it for fifteen minutes. Since I seem to be doubling the amount of time I spend at work in the fetal position, today I will get a full hour of weeping in. That has to be good for you. Off to Weep.
Later

The Day After Tomorrow

I didn’t feel old on Monday. Sure I was a little anxious and had a horrible feeling of foreboding. Yesterday I turned twenty-six. I didn’t think it would be so bad. It has been. I think I’ve had a mid life crisis. I know that puts my projected life expectancy up to fifty-two but I think that is an honest estimate of how long I have.

I spent several hours yesterday thinking about my accomplishments. Then I tried to think of all the goals I have set for myself. There aren’t any. I have neither accomplished anything nor have I planned anything. I am a total waste of space. And I’m half dead to boot. This sucks. I think this is the first time I’ve felt terrible about my birthday. I know I’m being overly dramatic. Clearly I am still young and should appreciate life more. I just wish I hadn’t squandered so much of it.

I’m going to take a while a bitch about everything that’s wrong right now. If you’re still reading this I applaud your resolve. Or maybe you’re just trying to make yourself feel better by looking at my pathetic life. Here goes.

I live with my parents
The one lady friend who actually likes me for me, also makes me sick
I don’t have my own car (in that I still drive a freebee from my parents)
I don’t have my own house
I don’t get up early enough to enjoy the morning or eat breakfast
I weigh to much
I haven’t had sex with nearly enough people
(I’m depressed but I still have a sense of humor)
I’m not making $25 an hour (and I really should be)

I got kind of sick of making that list. It doesn’t solve any of my problems by pointing them out like that. I should really be trying to fix them. Setting reasonable goals for myself, and then following through. That’s it! I’m going out this weekend and I’m going to sleep with two new people! I love goals.

Old man Harris signing out

Happy Friday

Today I was thinking about how great life is. I have a job I love. Three separate “secret girlfriends” who have no knowledge of each other. More good friends then someone all morally depraved as me should have and I’m always happy. Seriously I’ve tried to think of times when I’m unhappy for a stretch. Sure I’ll be the first to admit that at any given time something could piss me off and I could be angry right then. I get annoyed at stupid people all the time. I even expect better from others then I do from myself. I berate and belittle people all the time. But I’m getting distracted.

The point of all that was to show how super duper things are for me. You know how people all say someone will get their “just desert”. I’ve certainly gotten mine started this week. I got up late today, not because I was out late last night or because I worked particularly hard the day before. Nope, for some unknown reason when my alarm went off this morning I woke up turned it off and though to my self that I could lie back down with my eyes closed and ease into the day. Now thinking about this kind of thing right now while I’m wide-awake makes me laugh. I can sleep through a gunfight. Fall asleep in the bright noonday sun while having a conversation with Jesus. However this morning I though it was a very reasonable request to get a little break before hopping out of bed to charge into the world.

So now I’m running late. In another attempt to make things easy for myself I left off putting the garbage and recycling out last night. I would obviously get up in plenty of time to do that. I must love screwing over morning me. Nighttime me apparently hates morning me too. He does things like drink too much or eats hot food in large quantities. Morning me hates everyone. He feels we are all out to get him. I don’t think his view of the world is that far off base.

I stabbed my hand on a shard of broken glass in the recycle box while trying to hurry. This ended up costing me even more valuable time. Since I had to stop and wash the blood off my hand and inspect the wound for glass shards. There weren’t any. I got to work at the crack of 8:08. The only good thing about the day was that I beat my boss in. I went right to work. I walked into my office and cracked my hand off a table. It ripped the skin off my knuckle and for the second time that morning I was bleeding. I managed to stem the flow of blood and went about my work. Then a few minutes later I got the grand daddy of all paper cuts. I didn’t think you could get a paper cut down to the bone. You live and learn. For the third time today I’m bleeding. It wasn’t even noon. It’s about Two O’clock now and next to rubbing a little hot sauce in the “Ogre” eye things have been suspiciously slow. I’m a little scared of the drive home.
If my good luck really has turned around I figure it should suck ass for the next 25 years since the first have been so blessed.

Freak Outs etc.

It was Oct 31. Good old Halloween Night to you people but to me it was the night my friend Kevin asked for a hand. A hand you say? What could your pal K even need of you at six o'clock on a Sunday night? Well I tell you what, number one on my list was not moving a few trailer trash people from one government funded housing project to another because they were getting evicted. See I bet none of you (if anyone reads this) guessed that either.

Some background. Kevin is a good dude, a friend since grade school and a sucker. He is on this "help the less fortunate" kick right now, which is ok I guess except when he enlists my help. I know what you’re all thinking. James why shouldn't you help your a strapping buck in the prime of your life. You stand near to ten feet tall and can hold fire in your bare hands. We once saw you lift a car with your bare hands to change a flat tire. You’re all liars!

So I go help. I find out some more information the fellow we're helping out is doing this as a favor for his ignorant ex-wife and mother in law. On the off chance they may let him see his daughter for more then three hours this month. How crappy is that? Did I mention they were ignorant?

It was both the best and worst time I've had in a long while. "I like good times. You see the best thing about good times is that they are good times." That line right there left my friends Kevin, Dan and Jeff almost crying in laughter. I had just reached to pick up a piece or furniture when I felt searing pain in my thumb. I dropped the piece that can only be called a wooden do-dad with rusty sharp pointy things and held up my bleeding thumb and with the best beauty pageant smile said the previous quote. The clever twist at the end there was that the times we were having were not good at all. I used opposites to stress the difference between "Good Times" and what we were then doing. I'm a comedic genius sometimes.

I wish that could have been the end of my story but sadly no. Since these people had decided to live in a dog and cat soiled squalor. I was sure to get an amount of pet feces into my open wound. I have a lovely non-healing angry red scab on my thumb. Hurray.

Eventually Dan remembered near eight O'clock that I had dinner plans with my family that night. He asked me to drive him by his house so he could get his vehicle. He offered to let me go home and he would go back and help them finish up. He was my hero right then. I was free. I wanted someone to teach my how to do a cartwheel so I could do some right then. I took him to his truck. I was home free we live around twenty seconds away from each other nothing could go wrong. I blew out a tire. Normally that is just slightly bothersome. Not that day. I had just bought four new tires on Thursday. I had finally given up hope on the last four I had, Baldy, Slow Leak, Wobbly and Miss-Matched. I stopped in inspect the damage and found a tube of some kind allowing the air to rush out so fast that my tire was flat before I got out of my seatbelt. I figured right away some piss ant kid had booby-trapped the road way and I was the victim of a Halloween prank. I sat in the street furiously changing my tire hopping one of them would show themselves so I could mercilessly beat them with a tire iron. That’s just the kind of night it turned out to be.

I took the tire home and found out what had flattened my brand new majestic tire. A pen. I stupid .49 cent pen. I didn't even think that was possible! Think of the devastation if the world found out. Iraq could have help the US at bay for months just buy throwing boxes of Bics off the back of their vans. Good Lord I just realized! If a pen can flatten a tire what can gummy bears do? The horror...

Later.

What's a Blog?

Seriously all of last month and I wrote one entry. What the hell is that about ? I'm about as disgusted with myself right now as one person can be. When I stop to think about it it's not my fault. It's my computers fault. No actually it's not my computers fault although I have a serious bone to pick with my computer right now. It has two labels on it. The first one says in glorious all caps "JAMES IS GAY" and stuck underneath it not to be out done is "VERY VERY GAY". I wouldn't normally have a problem with that. I mean people can be what they want. The problem is I'm not in any way gay. I mean sure I've knocked down and dry humped a few of my friends but they deserved it. I did it because to me there is no better way to show dominance then to make someone your hump toy. I'm wandering again. I could use a train of thought shock collar, which would monitor my brain activ... I'm doing it again. The other problem with those two labels is that they are in bright red on white ink and were put there by my boss thirteen year old son.

What do you do to that? It's not like I can punch him in the junk and teach him a life lesson the way I would the child of any of the people under me. I have to sit here taking it because in the grand scheme of things I am knocked down and dry humped every day by my job. I guess I could take the labels down but then they would win.

If I thought I could do it and not get fired I would change my background to the biggest most non homosexual picture of girl on girl action. That would prove to my empty office that I'm not the gay one around here. Yeah that's right look at me checking out my fair share of boobies and such.

I just wanted to rant for a bit. I have been reading a lot of stuff from http://porktornado.diaryland.com/older.html which has inspired me to both write more and if possible be more funny. At this point I would settle for just being a little funny.

Note to self: Dry hump more people. Ah now that's more funny.